My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I need to calm my uterus...
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
