Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
