I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
