Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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