I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
