Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
