i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize