I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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