wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
