you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
