The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
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The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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