Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Randomize
