Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I'm passing your future prison.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
