My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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