to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
you had me at cake vodka
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
