Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize