Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
