So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
