he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
