The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
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