she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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