I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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