I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Found the puke drawer
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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