I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
farters have to be the big spoon...
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
