worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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