Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
