He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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