Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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