sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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