I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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