I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
