i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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