I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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