Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
