I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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