My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Pants are for mortals
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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