Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize