All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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