proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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