His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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