You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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