The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
