if i can run in heels then i can drive
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
