I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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