erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
