I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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