There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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