why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
