gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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