I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Randomize
