She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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