I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I just blew my weed a kiss
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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