see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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