wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
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