I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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