Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Naked Twister starts at high noon
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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