Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
