I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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