Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
