Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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