Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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